Here are a few things I’ve learned these past months/years/lifetimes:

Our lovability/worth/value/ is not dependent on:

The way we look.
How much money we have.
The number of people who “like” our page on Facebook.
The number of friends on Facebook.
The number of people who visit our blog, comment or “favorite” something.
Whether our work is published.
Whether we have a “following”.
The number of lovers we have.
The number of digits we get from the opposite (or same) sex.
The kind of car we drive.
Whether our friends show up for us during times of loss and need.
Whether we can show up for our friends in times of loss or need.
Whether we have an iPhone.
How many text messages we get.
How many people call us.
Whether we are the life of the party or the shy one in the corner.
(you get the idea.)

Status, power, “success”, social standing…so many things are determined by factors both within and without of our control. These things of the world are all so ephemeral and meaningless. They are part of the playground–the school of life.

Remember how much EVERYTHING seemed so damned important in high school and how laughable that was even a year later? That’s how life works too. I am here to tell you that shit doesn’t matter any more than being student body president or cheerleader did in high school. One day you’ll back on your life and say, “Why did I care so much about that?”

I have had and not had money. I have had a house and been homeless. I have had no friends and been showered with attention. I’ve thought I was the least attractive creature on earth and then had multiple people want to date and marry me.

None of these things ever made me feel lovable or worthwhile just like none of my “accomplishments” in high school mean a damn thing today. I feel empty and endlessly hungry when I tune into that level of consciousness.

The moments of meaning are (but are not limited to):

The love in my children’s eyes and feeling them melt into my arms.
Wiping away tears.
Witnessing and deep listening.
Noticing the way people and animals seem to feel safe and loved around me and the joy I get in giving that love.
Turning my attention to how exquisitely beautiful life is.
The fragrance of a flower or my child’s hair.
The taste of my lover’s sweat.
The pounding of my heart when I dance, work out or make love.
Creating something that brings joy to another and sharing it.
The deep peace of stillness.
(You get the idea.)

The One that I Am is limitless and filled with pure potential. It enjoys life as it comes and just loves to dance, play, sing, create and love. There is no measurement in that space–no “stats”, no striving, no “reciprocity”, proving or need for Deep Meaning.

There is only the pure joy of spontaneous unfolding.

That’s where it’s at. The rest is just static and one big mind fuck.

Now go forth and enjoy this blessed life!

This has been one of the most painful, difficult years of my life. So much has fallen away. I have experienced great loss and betrayal. In the midst of this, I have not only been learning what love really is and what it feels like to forgive at a deep level but to also walk away from people and situations that have hurt me deeply. I have also faced my own self-deception and learned how strong I really am when I allow myself to be vulnerable. I’ve learned how to say, “I don’t know.” and “I need help.”

I have, in short, taken a quantum leap in the Soul Growth department. I’m still here and I feel more loved and blessed than ever. I see what is true in life and feel like a stone that has been polished by crashing against other stones in the river of life. It sounds painful and it has been. It’s also been worth it.

Today, a friend sent me this quote telling me that she thought of me when she read it. That made me feel quite honored and blessed. It seems like a good reminder for all of us in difficult times so I thought I would share it here.

“If we study the lives of great men and women carefully and unemotionally we find that, invariably, greatness was developed, tested and revealed through the darker periods of their lives. One of the largest tributaries of the River of Greatness is always the Stream of Adversity.” ~Cavett Robert

As a final farewell to each man I have loved and lost–whether by your deceit or mine, your projection or mine, your fears or mine–I offer this poem by Lord Byron.

Today, I choose love and truth. Today, I choose joy.

WHEN WE TWO PARTED

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow–
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame:
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o’er me–
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well:
Lond, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met–
In silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.

perfection

I could not have known what love is
if I had never felt this longing.

Anything done to excess
becomes boring except this overflow
that moves toward you. ~Rumi

Antistrophes
by Rainer Maria Rilke

Ah, Women, that you should be moving
here, among us, grief-filled,
no more protected than we, and nevertheless
able to bless like the blessed.

From what realm,
when your beloved appears,
do you take the future?
More than will ever be.
One who knows distances
out to the outermost star
is astonished when he discovers
the magnificent space in your hearts.
How, in the crowd, can you spare it?
You, full of sources and night.

Are you really the same
as those children who
on the way to school were rudely
shoved by an older brother?
Unharmed by it.

While we, even as children,
disfigured ourselves forever,
you were like bread on the altar
before it changed.

The breaking away of childhood
left you intact. In a moment,
you stood there, as if completed
in a miracle, all at once.

We, as if broken from crags,
even as boys, too sharp
at the edges, although perhaps
sometimes skillfully cut;
we, like pieces of rock
that have fallen on flowers.

Flowers of the deeper soil,
loved by all roots,
you, Eurydice’s sisters,
full of holy return
behind the ascending man.

We, afflicted by ourselves,
gladly afflicting, gladly
needing to be afflicted.
We, who sleep with our anger
laid beside us like a knife.

You, who are almost protection
where no one protects. The thought of you
is a shade-giving tree of sleep for the restless
creatures of a solitary man.

I happened upon this poem yesterday. I was sitting in the sun with my poetry and my journal trying to make sense of my life and my place in this world. I am finding it so hard to wade through this period of transition in my life–in the middle of my life, single, mother of two children, feeling somewhat used up on some days. I feel like I have been pouring my love out into the world for so long and have allowed people to take what they could get and just move on. I have been that bread on the altar.

This is, of course, one version of the story. There are other versions–the one where I’m the user, taking what I could get because I didn’t think I deserved more than eating the crumbs off the floor OR taking for granted the outpouring of love and grace that was being freely offered by others and always looking for more elsewhere. I’ve been on both sides of that equation. Love is tricky. Sharing power is tricky. Forgiveness, compassion, truth–all of it! Life is tricky. It trips us up.

When I look at my life through the lens of the Rilke poem, I have a much deeper appreciation for my journey and my place in the world. I see myself in his eloquent praise of women and the Divine Feminine. My ability to love so deeply, to keep coming back to people or situations who have hurt me because I can forgive and keep loving. I can honestly say that I still love people who have wounded me terribly. I’m also learning, thankfully, to love myself enough to be more discerning and move on when needed.

I know I can be that shade-giving tree for people. I am finally learning to look for Her, the Divine Mother, in other people and allowing myself to rest in that shade also. We all–men and women alike–have the capacity to channel this energy to love, heal and nourish and we all have the opportunity to receive (and look for and appreciate!) the abundance of Her gifts as well.

More and more, I am astonished be the “the magnificent space” in my own heart and am starting to really appreciate the magnificence of the hearts around me. What a blessing.

“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery–isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If your going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.”

Charles Bukowski in Factotum

I saw that quote recently on someone’s blog. With all due respect to Mr. Bukowski, I disagree. Really? “Going all the way” means potentially losing everything, not eating and losing your mind? I think this is a lesson in self-indulgence, not self-expression. I see writers and other artists who have self-destructive tendencies that get fed by their Bukowski-worship. They clearly confuse being a “bad boy” and self-destructive with being an artist. Nothing could be further from the truth. That’s a very last-century sort of thing and it doesn’t serve us.

Times are changing. I hear people lament how much the world is going to hell but I would argue that life is hell if you make it so. There is a huge difference between living your life and your art full out and getting your jollies doing whatever the fuck you want whenever you want. I am a proponent of moving through life with respect and integrity for LIFE–not just for ourselves and not just others but the wholeness of LIFE. Respect and veneration of the complex web of life that we are all a part of will help us to grow collectively and individually and help us co-create not only great art but a beautiful world.

I agree that a certain amount of isolation or independence is liberating and necessary, both creatively and spiritually (is there really a difference?). We cannot hold on to certainties as artists or humans (is there really a difference?). We must push forward, question authority, question the status quo, break a few rules and push the walls out. This kind of destruction is necessary for creation. However, it must be done mindfully or we lose the preciousness of life. We can love, honor and protect ourselves in the process. We also need to be really mindful of not getting overly identified with isolation. This is a trap of the ego that keeps us from realizing the truth and beauty in life. There is a great deal of potential in co-creation and synergy. This can only be harnessed with respect for the whole.

So yes, go all the way but don’t destroy yourself in the process. Yes, find your own voice and shine brightly but don’t do it at the expense of life, love and respect. The inherent tension between individual liberty and collective responsibility can be reconciled with love and mindful awareness. I believe this with all my heart.

Every thought, every movement, every dance on the web of life affects the whole. We are interconnected in ways that we are learning more about every day. Walk gently or walk boldly but walk with the awareness that you walk on the fibers of your own being.

My friend recently did some writing about her “fantasy career” and encouraged me to do the same. The idea is to get yourself in the feeling space of what you want so you can bring more of it into your life. I like the idea but I’m not sure it works for me. I can use my imagination to conjure up ideas about where I want to be but sometimes my imagination is pretty fantastic and then I look around at my “real” life and feel crappy about it.

So, instead of thinking about my fantasy career, I have decided to look at what about my current life is a lot like what I have always wanted. That feels more grounded for me in this moment since fantasy has sort of gotten me in trouble in the past.

I have always wanted to travel, to write and to be an artist. I’ve also always wanted to be a free-spirited lover who makes love when and where and to whom she chooses. I’ve always wanted to live in France.

So, today, in the now, I can say that I do many of these things. I am an artist who creates something nearly every day. I have people who support my work in various ways and I continue to bring more supporters to myself as I study and find ways to bring my work out into the world. I don’t hold on to some idea of where it is all going because part of my way of being is to embrace mystery. In art, in life, in relationships I like the not knowing. It’s fucking sexy.

I am definitely a writer. I have been published and will be again. I also self-publish nearly every day either on my blog or elsewhere on the net. I write for school. I write in my journal. I wish to write a book one day but honestly, right NOW, feel pretty comfortable with what I do and how I put it into the world.

As for travel, I’m a mother of two children and a student with a limited budget right NOW so I have little mini adventures often. I take the bus downtown and visit new places often. I walk around and see my city, myself and my life with new eyes as often as possible. Through these adventures, I have learned to master public transportation and traveling alone in a large city late at night which is something that was really scary for a country girl like me and kept me away from my bigger travel fantasies much of my life. I travel to France in my mind, for now. I sometimes make very French meals and live very much like a French woman in many ways. I drink French press coffee (heh). That’s enough for me for NOW. There will come a time when travel to France is right but, quite, honestly I am really peaceful about my life right NOW. I have such juicy fun nearly every day.

As for lovers, I absolutely love who I want when I want and enjoy that part of my life. I don’t put a lot of boundaries on my life, for the most part. I enjoy myself. I make mistakes and I learn. In truth, I am a professional lover of life. I love. That’s what I want to do and what I do. What else is there?

In his fabulous essay The Enormous Womb, Henry Miller said that “Life as it is called, is for most of us one long postponement. And the simple reason for it is: FEAR…The best world is that which is now this very moment” He says, “Do we not know that God is constantly giving us of his boundless love? Why then do we not give ourselves—recklessly, abundantly, completely?”

I find that the more I live in the moment–in the NOW–and really pay attention to what life is giving back to me as I live it full out, the more I feel abundant and complete (God knows I’ve got the reckless part down pat!). I will always have longing. I will never be totally satisfied. Longing and aching keep me creating and growing. I would be dead without them. I can say with a full, truthful heart that I feel very loved, very lush and very happy in the NOW of my life. I like that my dreams have been quietly unfolding all along just waiting for me to notice.

Sometimes I want to go back to being little.
Sometimes I regret too many things.
Sometimes I want to lick everything.
Sometimes I don’t know who I really am.
Sometimes I don’t give a fuck.
Sometimes it isn’t easy for me to be honest about my truest feelings. (Sometimes)
Sometimes I am in awe of everything.
Sometimes I protect myself in destructive ways.
Sometimes I feel so very lost. (Sometimes)
Sometimes I amaze myself.
Sometimes I kick ass.
Sometimes I eat the dawn.
Sometimes I like my own reflection. (Sometimes)
Sometimes I get tired of being “Spiritual” and just want to be real.

I’m realizing that I am always pushing against something in my life. It’s either my nature or some kind of curse but it’s real for me. One thing I know for sure is that I wasn’t put on this earth to fit into someone’s little box. I don’t fit well into small boxes. I like to run free.

I think what I usually push against is society’s ideas of being a “good girl”. I don’t use that language with my own girls. I don’t want that for them. “Good” is a lot like “nice”. It’s bullshit and has much more to do with others feeling happy and having an illusion of safety than with loving or kind behavior. In all the striving to be “good”, people often end up being very “bad”.

Everyone has myriad personas, masks and little sub-personalities that need expressed. We cause ourselves and each other pain when we don’t express them and try to fit ourselves and others into molds. We are unique, luscious beings that are sparks of the Divine, not die-cast robots.

I recently found out a former lover had been lying to me. He couldn’t accept the truth of who he was so he lied about it and kept trying to cover his tracks causing himself and others pain. For what? To look like a “good” person? To be considered “nice”? In the end, he had to face his own duplicity which was really just the denial of a part of his true nature. That’s part of the journey in life and I honor it but I don’t think it has to be so hard to honor who we really are and follow our desires.

A friend of mine told me she doesn’t believe that people should follow their desires over and over again if it causes others pain. When I consider that, I think of the myriad ways that I caused myself and others pain for many years when I wasn’t following my desires and being honest.

I’m not making an argument for “anything goes”, lawless behavior. That’s extreme and harmful. I am, however, a huge proponent of living the truth of one’s life and falling in love with the experience. So often we fear the full experience of life and then deny the experience because of someone else’s rules and expectations. Then we get angry and blame the other for our constraints and lack of fulfillment. I see this all the time with married couples that I know. They complain about their partner not being fun or being too much of this or not enough of that. What’s often true is that they are bored with their life and themselves and not willing to grab the brass ring in life so they blame their partner. Now that I don’t have a partner, I can’t do that. I have to take full responsibility for my own happiness. It’s hard and liberating.

For me, claiming my own liberty includes expressing the fullness of my being as best I can, being gentle and compassionate with myself and others when mistakes are made, considering the needs of the whole but claiming and taking responsibility for my life.

On this Independence Day, I am releasing my need to be “good” and claiming my right to be happy and fulfilled.