“In the Studio”

So how does one redefine a life?

I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for 10 years after a (too) long stay in the institution that is corporate america. In the past 10 years, I have gone to school for Expressive Arts Therapy, become a certified Kindermusik instructor, had my own preschool/creativity studio for little ones, been the program director for a program that brought expressive arts, drumming and motivational speakers into transitional housing facilities for women.

I’ve fallen in and out of love, had another baby, homeschooled my firstborn, learned about compassionate communication, built community and left a marriage of nearly 20 years that never felt like quite the right fit (which had to do with me, not him).

I now find myself, at age 40, in a place of seeing that my life has always had this “artist” thread. I almost went to school for photography. I almost moved to Europe when I was 18, I wanted to record a CD. Instead of doing these things, I put my energy into nurturing others (hello co-dependency) and wrapped up my identity in my everpresent role as caretaker (yep, I’m a child of an alcoholic although I don’t DEFINE myself that way. I’m just aware of the way the past has shaped the rest of me) and just generally looking at what everyone BUT Kymberlee wanted/needed.

Today, I found an art box filled with paints from about 15 years ago. It hit me really hard. I have always been an artist but never given myself the space to really let that part of me flourish until the past two years.

I’m now clearing out space for just that more and more every day.

Studio space.
Time.
Mental space.

I am learning that my kids really are okay when they are being taken care of elsewhere. I’m learning that I can choose my own hours and let time be my friend. I’m learning that the girl who longed to live in Paris and be an artist when she was 13 (that has been my little secret desire that I never truly uttered all this time) is coming alive. She actually likes Seattle and wants to visit Paris or maybe live there a few weeks out of the year…hmmm…

I have a life, friends and children here in Seattle. I love my life. I love this new, courageous part of me that is realizing she isn’t here to fix anyone but is happy just BEing alive and present for each moment as it unfolds. I love this part of me that is standing up for myself and letting go of the need to fix, preach and compartmentalize everything. I am not making commitments to anyone save myself these days. I am taking care of myself and my children and that’s enough for now.

This is MY life and I get to choose how it unfolds. I get to define every texture, color and flavor.

And I am.

I like to walk the edge.
I like to F E E L alive and edge-walking makes life all that much more delicious.

Except…

I am tired of flirting with risk in the relationship department.

That which feels risky and uncertain
is just that.
Not fulfilling, not energizing, not life-affirming…

Just broken.
(who wants to wonder if the person you’re with is going to stick around?)

I choose R E A L.
I choose feeling loved, appreciated, honored and held.

I choose L O V E.

And so it is.

I just LOVE this quote!

“When you complain all you do is broadcast,
‘There’s a victim in the neighborhood!’.”
-Maya Angelou

Or, as my wonderful friend Trina says in her Sushi Song, “Quit Yer Bitchin’”

(This is directed at ME, by the way, not YOU. I put this here as a reminder to myself to focus on the positive and stay in an empowered place. )

Another bit unearthed in the old journal today. I’m not sure who I was writing this to. There’s no date and I don’t remember. Maybe I was writing it to my future self. Maybe I was writing it to the Universal Collective.

I am putting it here for YOU. Whomever reads this, it applies to YOU.

You are beautiful
beyond measure

Your strength inspires me
to push forward

The love I feel
The breath I breathe

Each hour
Each day

It flows
to you
and through you

You are beautiful
beyond measure.

(Oh yes you are.)

I opened an old journal today and that’s what it said. I have no idea why I wrote it, as a single line on one page. I do know that just unearthing it at a time when I most needed to hear it helps to cement the idea of faith even more firmly inside of me. I rarely have a lack of faith but every now and then I need a reminder. It came today.

Also, I called a dear friend today who reminded me to take care of myself during this time of transition. She said I am doing the work I need to do and that even though time and money might seem like “issues”, self-care and taking time to allow myself to breathe and remember that my time is my own is important right now. I am so grateful for the reminder.

Blessed be the many angels in my life in their myriad forms.

“I feel like I should be doing something momentous with my life, ” she said.

I replied that she had been raising her baby for 10 years.

She said she wanted to find something more important to do.

I said, “In the meantime, enjoy the setting sun and the smell of your daughter’s hair.”

It seems that she has been hoodwinked into believing there is something “more important” than love.

This picture was taken on August 23rd, the night of the New Moon. On that day I made an offering to the Earth of my daughter’s placenta. After storing it in my freezer for almost four years waiting for the “perfect moment” or the “perfect” place to bury it, I decided to just do it. My two dearest friends witnessed the event as I dug the hole under the sacred birch tree in my front yard. They helped me speak blessings into the Universe as I allowed my fingers to explore the bloody organ that nourished my baby and let the blood flow down my arms. The awe and sense of completion I felt as I patted down the fragrant, musky soil was beyond measure.

There is no more perfect moment save this one.

I made that offering with the intention of grounding myself and my children. I am a single mother. I am an artist and business owner. I am a child of the Universe and have my own special place and purpose. These truths are more deeply rooted inside of me every day. Setting this intention set a lot of interesting things in motion. Over the last 14 days, I have been reclaiming my power, asking for what I need and allowing myself to really let go of some very old pain, guilt and unhealthy relationship patterns. I have also been preparing myself for today.

Today is a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse. A time to recalibrate and think of things we would like to bring to a close, finish, or end. Feelings of guilt, bad habits, or unhealthy relationships are all things to release during a Lunar Eclipse. As I have been doing that very mindfully over the past couple of weeks, today feels like a culminating moment for me.

Today is also my first day in 10 years of having an eight hour work day. My kids will be at school or in childcare 8 hours a day, four days a week from now on. Despite the fact that I have needed this kind of time for myself and my work for a long time, it is hard to let go of being needed. It’s hard to let go of my old role of primary caregiver. I am left with mixed feelings of joy and sorrow, excitement and trepidation.

This morning, every “i” was dotted and every “t” crossed as I breathed in the brisk September air and made way out to my van to take the kids to school. I felt on top of my game. The kids were buckled in and ready to roll. I went to back out and realized that the steering wasn’t working! I see this as such an apt metaphor for this new phase of my life. I can’t steer everything any longer. I had to ask for help from two different people in order to get my kids to and from school today. I am learning to allow grace and help into my life so that I can finally focus on my career. It’s hard to let go of the control but so worth it.

So, on this day of the Lunar Eclipse, I mindfully let go of the following:

• My need to control everything. I willingly accept grace to flow to and through me.

• My belief that I am the only one who knows what my children need (I’m pretty sure their father will say “Woot!” when he reads that. heh). I trust in the Universe to bring my children the experiences they need to grow and serve the greater good.

• Feelings of guilt about everything. I have asked for forgiveness from those I could have treated better. I am a grown up and know what I need. I can and will use my time in service to the Greater Good of All Beings Everywhere. That’s enough for me. I am enough.

• Allowing myself to be treated poorly by others. I am deserving of love and honor and I allow these things to flow to and through me.

• I also mindfully let go of self-defeating, self-punishing behaviors. I take care of myself and treat myself with love, respect and honor.

Today I ran across a single line I had written on a page in my journal. It said, :

It’s true that I haven’t been physically pushed around since my older brother tormented me in my youth. I am strong and fierce physically and don’t even give that a second thought.

Emotional “pushing around” is a whole other matter. Holding onto false hope of people eventually being nicer to me if only I believed in them, being overly accomodating to the needs of others to my own detriment, and allowing myself to be ruled by the will of another without regard for my own well-being are among the many ways I’ve allowed myself to be pushed around emotionally.

Fear of rejection is a powerful motivator.

Fortunately, I have learned that I am worth more than that. I am learning that I am worthy of love, self-care and honor. Honoring myself and my own needs has helped me honor the needs of others with grace.

I am finally letting the pain out and letting the healing happen.

Blessed be.