“It’s not like I pine away for them when I’m not with them, ” he said.

My heart would be bleeding
right out of my chest right now
if it didn’t feel so frozen
from those apathetic words.

I could be flip and say ‘his loss” but it wouldn’t be authentic.
When the heart goes numb, it is winter for us all.

So I will sit by the hearth
and tend the fire
during this cold season.

I don’t know when it happened.

I don’t know where, why or in what way.

I only know that it did.

I know that this memory is stuck in my body and is hurting me deeply.

I am ready to remember and re-member.

Just as I felt another big swell of nausea and tears come from this buried whatever-it-is, and came here to post this, I saw this horoscope for today on my google homepage:

Many things that you’ve been keeping inside of you may finally come out right now. Even if you might appear somewhat confident and in control to the outside world, there may still be a few worries and fears that you’ve been carrying around.

Yeah. You could say that.

Say a little prayer for me if you’re willing. Thank you.

I know that some people really struggle with the concept of being true to themselves as though it is selfish to BE who you came into this world to be or live as you choose. Once we start doing this and are really loving our lives, we are in flow and more of what we desire comes to us. The Universe is just waiting to bring us what we most desire. The key is tuning into the voice of our Higher Self rather than our ego. I think that is where the confusion lies. In my experience, the thing that really happens when we ignore those inner urgings is that our Spirit is going to win anyway. If you really need to turn away from the world to get clear about your purpose and do some inner excavation and you continue to ignore it, you may end up in the hospital or on an extended stay at home for bedrest so you do not as a “punishment” but a wake up call, an opportunity. I have found it’s best to pay attention.

The ecstatic poet, Kabir, has this to say. Keep in mind that he lived 500 years ago so his wording around “God” is a bit different than mine or possibly yours. The message however, is the same:

He who cared for you whilst you were
yet in your mother’s womb,
Shall He not care for you now that you
are come forth?

Oh my heart, how could you turn from
the smile of your Lord and wander
so far from Him?

You have left your Beloved and are
thinking of others: and this is
why all your work is in vain.

When we turn away from our Spirit, from that inner voice inside that is urging us to create some space and time for ourselves in which to create or that part of ourselves that wants to go outside and move for a little bit or rest and take a nap to rejuvenate–when we turn away from this, we are turning away from our Spirit. We are truly co-creators of our own reality. Sonia Choquette recommends that we treat our ego as the family pet. We can feed it and care for it but don’t let it run the show.

If we let our Spirit be in charge, we can’t go wrong. That’s why I do Transformation Coaching with people. I know the pain of not listening and the joy of tuning in I want to help people learn how to listen to that voice rather that stay in that stuck place managing life from an inauthentic place. Here are a few tools for opening the channel to Spirit and letting our guides speak to us.

• Meditate in whatever form works for you. Writing, sitting, walking, dancing…whatever. Just tune in, pay attention and don’t let your “critical parent” voice take over.

• Self-nurturing. The more we loves ourselves, the more Love will flow to and through us. The more we love ourselves, the more we will feel worthy of receiving the good that is there waiting.

• Chat with your Inner Child. Write questions for it with your dominant hand and let your non-dominant hand answer. You may be VERY surprised with what comes out. The key here is to listen to the answers.

• Pay attention to your feelings. If you are not following your truest path, you will probably not feel so good. Our emotions are here to inform us not run our lives. If you are bored with your life, something needs to change. If you are sad, let the sad flow out so it can be replaced with grace. Anger often means that we are really not getting what we need and something needs to change. It also means that passion is right there waiting to be channeled. Let your emotions inform you. You can only do this if you are in touch with them. Journaling is an excellent start for this. Spending 20-30 minutes every day letting yourself free write your feelings, ideas and perceptions will change your life.

This morning, I ran across this great quote from Leo Buscaglia which really underscores all of this.

“The easiest thing in the world to be is you.

The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be.

Don’t let them put you in that position.”

Amen! The thing to note is that the you we’re talking about it You. Isn’t it time?

I recently ran across a blog post, written by a former lover, that was clearly (although not directly) referring to this post of mine about reclaiming our true self and learning to say yes to our creative selves. It made me smile because what he is referring to is exactly what I do every, single day. There is no “loft in soho strewn with canvases” but I did convert my living room into a studio so I can create and move around freely. We have a small room dedicated as our family room which is cozy and just right for our needs. The studio currently has a glorious Yule tree blazing with white lights and stocking hanging at the fireplace. It also has several recently completely works of art and has hosted several clients for healing journeys recently. The tapestry gets woven one thread at a time and each fiber loops around another…

Earlier today, I was photoshopping something because I had an unexpected, tight deadline. I would click a button and do one braid of my daughter’s hair then click again and do the other braid. This is the way of a mother who desires to be WITH her children as much as possible and follow her creative dreams as well.

I was smiling today as I was working at my computer and my preschooler danced behind me. Diffused sunlight streaming through the studio windows, gauzy, multi-colored scarves in her hands singing at the top of her lungs, “Today is a beautiful day! The sun is shining!” Of course, minutes later I’m quite certain she was crying about something or the other because, well, that is the way of humans, isn’t it?

Yesterday, I went to her co-operative preschool and did music with the children. We sang and danced, drew oil pastel pictures on black paper to “The Four Seasons: Winter” by Vivaldi, explored maracas and rain sticks then made our own “shakey eggs” together. After that, I dashed home and prepared my studio for a phototherapy session with an amazing woman who told me I was “such an angel” and “a wonderful conduit”. This session gave her the clarity she was seeking and energized me to keep creating and doing the Work. Later, I picked up my kids and was buzzing with love and enthusiasm. The tapestry gets woven one thread at a time and each fiber loops around another…

Today, I had the pleasure of taking Gigi to see my older daughter perform at her school and last week, I got to see her do her test for Karate. While I was there (and it was taking a long time), I commented to a little girl that I was glad I worked for myself. When she asked me what I do, I said, “I’m an artist and I help grown-ups who have lost their dreams find them again.” She said, “Wow! Nice job.”. Indeed it is. After a bit of rest time, I picked up my daughter and took the girls to the park and the library. You see, I have time to spend with my children, even though I am a “creative type” because I make time. I used to make even more time but back then I was dead inside and had no identity of my own. I’ve learned to balance and like those rocks up there, the big one (me), is on the bottom as a foundation. I am full. I am solid and grounded. If I allow myself to dry up, I won’t be able to support the other two so I don’t.

I’ll be honest. It’s not easy, this balancing act. Sometimes I just want to give up. Even with the amazing community I have in my life, I get pooped out. Sometimes (like tonight), I have a sink full of dishes that I don’t feel like doing but it’s worth it. Sometimes the dishes have to wait until my painting is done. Sometimes, the kids have to play so that I can finish something. In her wonderful book, “Woman Who Run with the Wolves“, Clarissa Pinkola Estes talks about having fierce boundaries for our creative, wild selves. This IS necessary. Perhaps it’s not for men who have a sense of entitlement to their work and are often used to having their wives do most of the child-rearing. I don’t know; I don’t have a penis. Herstory is different than history, let’s not kid ourselves.

I have always included my children on my journey. One of them was suckling at my breast when I read the book I just mentioned. I was pregnant with the other one when I dove into expressive arts therapy certification training and she was with me for the last 3 months of school. I found a way because I am determined and because I matter. I don’t “sip absinthe and argue philosophy” on a “rooftop apartment on the la rive gauche” but I do go to parties (where we drink tequila or vodka) and coffee shops with my amazing friends while we do art with our kids (and discuss philosophy).

Romance is what you make it. Life and art and creativity are what you make it. This is the one, baby. This is YOUR life. Make the most of it and make sure you weave the tapestry you most desire because unweaving it and starting over is a fuckofalotofwork. I’m trying to get it right this time. The key, I think, is being honest enough with ourselves about who we are and what we need so that we can be honest with our loved ones as well. There is no shame in living your creative dreams and it isn’t an either/or proposition. I have found that people rush to support me when I speak with “Spirit Tongue” or Truth about who I am and what I need. As I mentioned in my previous post, sometimes people pout and act out but that’s because they aren’t taking responsibility for their own happiness. I know that the more I carve the life of my dreams, the more others will feel inspired to do the same (including the pouters and tantrum throwers).

Finally, I want to put down in words what my 10 year-old daughter said to me last night. When I was telling her about my day, she said, “You are so good with kids, Mom. We are so lucky to have a woman in our lives who is so spiritual and musical.” It touched my heart so deeply to be seen by her that way. I shouldn’t be surprised. She did write this.

Yes, I do “encourage childlike self-expression”, both in myself and in others. I live for inspiration and love! Ironically, the way I have allowed myself to grow up into the “responsible, aware adult” that I am is by letting my inner child out to play. She feels safe with such a benevolent parent taking care of her and guess what? My daughters do as well and we are all weaving this beautiful tapestry together, one blood-red thread at a time. We are (wild) women, after all.

Click here to see this amazing video from the song Glósóli by the band Sigur Rós. A blogger friend named Kevin White sent it me last year because the photography in it reminded him of mine. He thought I would dig it and I do.

Peace and love to your beautiful heart.

Sometimes I want to just be alone like this bird gliding off to new adventures. Just me and the vast expanse of the world before me.

I am tired of measuring my words, of factoring other people into my decisions and my life.

I am weary of the people in my life crumbling when I stake a claim for my own independence or for my needs getting met. This is what shaped me into a person who strategized in relationships. I’ve spent so many years working to shuck off the part of me that is afraid to be truthful because someone’s feelings will get hurt and I will be rejected, yelled at, treated abusively, etc.

If I don’t let everyone suckle at my breast and assure them that “mama” still loves them and tell them what they want to hear, I am met with defensiveness, statements about them not being “enough” and a host of other things that feel like an attempt to get me back to being who THEY want me to be. Few things annoy me more than those little “hooking” statements that people make. I know I make them too. It’s a pretty common coping mechanism.

I know this is my work. I know I’m not responsible for the their feelings but today, I just want to be completely alone and away from all the tender little egos around me.

Today I want to glide away.

In Julia Cameron’s book, “Inspirations“, I found this juicy nugget yesterday:

Afraid to appear selfish, we lose our self. We become self-destructive. Because this self-murder is something we seek passively rather than consciously act out, we are often blind to it’s poisonous grip on us. Virtuous to a fault, trapped creatives have destroyed the true self, the self that didn’t meet with much approval as a child, the self who heard repeatedly, “Don’t be selfish!” The true self is a disturbing character, healthy and occasionally anarchistic, who knows how to play, how to say “no” to others and “yes” to itself.

SO. I will not go away from others completely but I will be saying yes to myself more and more and let those tender egos out there take care of themselves.

And so it is.