I think I have finally learned that I can have deep compassion for what motivates a person to do something, forgive them AND call it out as unhealthy or not in service to the Light.

There’s a difference between judgment and discernment. I believe in order for the world to evolve, we need to speak up about the things that hurt us and others and “be the change we want to see” as Gandhi said.

Love does not conquer fear by intention alone. It takes action and complete openness and honesty.

“We are free up the point of choice,
then the choice controls the chooser.”
-Mary Crowley

a door closed
can be seen
as potential
or a barrier

these days, I am more peaceful
with walking away
than walking through
or bloodying my hand
knocking
knocking
knocking
on doors that open
then shut
then open
then shut

there is so much grace in the world
just waiting for me to find it
away from doors

in the open places

The hardest thing about ending a relationship (or two)(or three…) is finding a place for that person in your life and dealing with their conflict about where to put you in theirs. I have much love in my heart for people. It doesn’t just go away because a relationship has been reconfigured into something else. I have been swimming in some odd place of inner conflict about this for too long. Searching for safety or security and certainly not finding it that way.

I have been reading “Your Destiny Switch” by Peggy McColl which is all about managing emotions. I am learning to approach my life, my behavioral patterns and those of others with curiosity rather than judgment. I am finding it helpful to say, “I wonder why that person is doing that?” rather than “they shouldn’t treat me like that!” or “why did I respond that way?” rather than “I should have (fill in the blank)”. These questions help compassion come flooding in.

In the realm of relationships, I am finding this very helpful. I am staying out of that darker, angst-ridden place that I can get into when I feel shunned by someone for whatever reason by staying open to the possibility and seeing it all from a more pulled back perspective. I see that I have allowed myself to be treated with a lot of disregard in my lifetime. This has created some sort of downward spiraling vortex of pain that I am no longer interested in being a part of.

I am choosing to unguard my heart and remain open to Love and I am mindfully asking the question, “what would Love do?” as often as I remember to. I am feeling a huge shift inside myself as a result of these simple practices. Most importantly, I am learning to pour a lot of love into myself which has been sorely lacking most of my life.

Being a loving light in the world doesn’t come by following a set of rules that are being imposed by some authority, some list of “good behaviors” that we find in a book, or by “shoulds” of any sort. I believe that it comes through one loving action after another, to ourselves and others. I don’t believe love is ever present in the shadow places of coping, hiding or striving.

I believe love is present when the valves are wide open to give and receive Love and Truth. Horace said, “Who then is free? The wise man who can govern himself.” That is my guiding light: To govern myself in the realm of Love. To allow every aspect of my life to be guided by Love and let that which is not in alignment with that energy to fall away.

There is nothing else worth living for but Love.

foot in
foot out
valve open
and shut

hiding
and workarounds
half truths
and longing

terminal conflict
not infinite love
driving this soul

the path of Love
has no place for
hiding

unguard the heart
and watch
miracles happen

I had some energetic healing work done today to work on my belief that bad things will happen to me if good things happen to me. There are many complicated reasons why this belief exists within me but it was VERY stuck inside of me and now it’s not. Yay!

She did some Theta healing as well as shamanic energy work over the phone which was very therapeutic. Once I’ve had a chance to process it and do some of the post-session work, I’ll come back here and write a bit more. What I wanted to get down in writing here is the affirmation that I came up with for rewriting these limiting beliefs. I am very connected to the Tree of Life and often imagine myself as a tree, grounded to the Mother’s energy and receiving loving light from the Father, breathing in the negative, breathing out the positive…healing, cleansing, completely the cycle. Using this analogy, I crafted this personal manifesting manifesto affirmation thingimajiggy. (that was fun to type..heh):

Good flows to me and through me for the Greater Good of All.

And so it is.

“You risk tears if you let yourself be tamed.”
-Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Here’s something I read today about judging and the path of awareness.

read it. it’s awesome. my fave part, “Ken: Whoa, whoa, what’s this nice shit?”. Exactly. We are taught by those in control that it is GOOD to be NICE. UGH. How about if it’s enough to just BE REAL?

I judge a lot and I get this mirrored back to me so often. YAY!

I am enjoying the process of unconditioning myself to get back to that core Self. It’s a messy process sometimes or, as I often say, awareness is a bitch but it’s worth it.

The above picture was taken in a moment of just allowing myself to wander and be present for the present, the GIFT of the moment. Read on…

I haven’t been writing here much because I’ve been so SO busy lately. not always busy with “work” but sometimes just with BEing.

It’s true that i have been gearing up for teaching summer camps, doing advertising, being a mom, a lover, a member of a co-operative, a daughter, friend and wading through a bunch of computer issues…

…yes. all of that is true.

I’ve also been busy mindfucking myself about not being spiritual enough, not being fit enough, not being present enough, not being accepting enough, not being …well, just generally not BEING ENOUGH.

You know what I think about that right now? ENOUGH!

I have done a lot work on self love and will continue to. Right now, I’m reading two wonderful books that are kind of a point/counterpoint thing for me. One is “Reviving Ophelia” (I’m too lazy to look up the author’s name right now and that’s OK) that talks about what happens to women during our adolescent years. It is very illuminating and is really helping me to see how I have been shaped by owning a vulva instead of a penis in a world where female flesh is treated as the scrumptious cupcake that everyone is supposed to want but somehow considered poison. I am so tired of that. I am saddened by how I have been affected by it. I am teaching camps this year and continuing to do the work I do in the world because of how hurt I have been by this, by how I have bought into the idea that being good, polite, sexy or WHATEVER is important or affirms my existence somehow. I don’t want to play on that field anymore.

I’m also reading “Your Destiny Switch” by Peggy McColl. This wonderful book gives practical advice on raising our vibration by learning to balance our emotions. I’m finding it very interesting, helpful and a good reminder. It is offsetting all the conditioning of the past and helping me to stay in a productive place when I start feeling angry about the way women are treated or despondent when I see all the pain in the world.

So in the midst of my mind fucking and switch flipping and just general getting-on-with-the-business-of-becoming-enlightened (heh), along comes “Freedom From Self-Improvement Day/Week” by the lovely and talented Jennifer Louden. There’s a lot to tell but I’m a bit achy at this moment and want to go sleep so I’m just putting in the link for the moment. I read this wonderful post from a guy named Michael Neill on that site and can TOTALLY relate to everything that he says. As a card-carrying overachiever and someone who has felt lonely, isolated and odd because of my talent, success or blessings, I am learning to say “I can just be average today”. Notice I added “today”. I can’t commit to all the time. Maybe a lifetime of being an overachiever can be rewritten overnight but maybe I don’t want to think that hard right now. Nope, I’m pretty sure I don’t.

I also ran across this website today. His teachings are all about being in the NOW. No fantasies, no thinking about how much better it/I/he/she/the whole fucking UNIVERSE can be. Just being present and letting it flow. (I think I just felt my shoulders go down two notches).

I’m breathing, releasing, BEING and appreciating the gift of being present.

I stand near the edge of a cliff
and feel the muscles between
my thighs weaken
in this moment
something in me rejoices

I cut my skin and watch
the blood slowly trickle
reveling in the smell of it,
the redness of it
the LIFE of it

drinking in the sight of
moonlight on freshly cut grass
or bare skin
makes my spirit quiver with joy

seeing the carcass of a deer long dead
near the edge of a creek–
and laying in the vacated bed of a deer
along that same creek
letting my cares sink down into the Mother

the exhilaration of taking off in a jet
engines rumbling
our bodies soaring through the sky

laying with my lover watching
a lightning storm at dusk
and feeling the electricity
in the air

the smell of sex lingering on my skin
or the sharpness of desert sage

these moments–
these interstitial awakenings,
this merging of spirit and flesh,
–are my ambrosia