My daughter, Gigi, beholding the altar at her new school

I have always been a highly sensitive person. I have often sensed things–the things you feel with your sixth sense–and often haven’t known what to do with those feelings. As I child, my perceptions were often “hushed up” by my parents or others (common when people don’t want to admit the truth). There have always been so many things I felt but couldn’t bring a voice to. It can be painful to be a “sixth sensory” in a “five sensory” world. I listen these days and don’t let others who don’t have this heightened sensitivity talk me out of these feelings, these knowings.

I have been really paying attention to the energy I feel around certain people, places or things lately and tuning into to my psychic awareness. The more I tune into my higher awareness, the less comfortable I feel around anything that has a negative vibe. Places where murders, drug deals and the like happen don’t feel good to me. When people are lying, I know (I always have) . I get a sort of “pit” in my stomach or I feel my mood shifting. This is my Higher Awareness guiding me and I am listening.

I recently pulled my daughter out of a school that had “bad vibes”. The corner where the building is located has many accidents, the teachers were fighting, the kids were often strung out and it just felt heavy. In just two days of going to a different place (where meditation and non-sectarian prayer are the norm), I have seen a huge change in her energy and mine. There is a lighter feeling, a feeling of spaciousness and a gentle spirit to the days. All of the parents are smiling and encouraging. It’s so lovely. Gigi said, “I like my new school. We pray there and sing songs and it feels good to my body.” Indeed.

I recently gave away a bunch of stuff to charity and burned letters and memorabilia from my childhood. I felt a negative, heavy feeling whenever I considered these objects as they represent a different time in my life where I was not really living an authentic life. It felt SO good to this. The freedom I have experienced in the letting go is beyond my ability to impart. It is like cutting off a sandbag from a beautiful red balloon. The balloon flies free. It’s amazing.

I was telling someone yesterday that I beginning to notice that my mood can be affected by taking a different route as I drive. Going along a green space with lots of trees feels much different to my energetic body than traveling along a place where there are drug addicts, prostitutes, and lots of concrete. He seemed to judge what I said as I though I was sorting out the “riff raff”. Nothing could be further from the truth! I have a great deal of compassion for people who are homeless or addicted. I have worked in shelters to help these people and have seen their pain. I have struggled with my own issues with co-dependency and relationship addiction so I know how hard it is to move into a different place in your life. I am also feeling more and more that it is OKAY to move towards what feels good in my life. Towards empowerment, health, wellness, fresh air, calmness and JOY! I say to myself every morning, “I am a JOY magnet!” and it’s working! I’m finding more and more ways to be supportive of others and let others be supportive of me. I’m paying attention to the joy I DO feel and allowing more of it to flow in. It is very good.

When we move towards feeling good, we raise our vibration and that helps the entire energetic matrix, not just my own.

So yes…doing what feels good is very, very good and I’m sticking to it!

Outside there is a thin
wind flirting with the trees
it has teased the curtains
into dancing; I keep time
in my head.

Memorizing the seasons, I touch
things as if my fingers
will learn them
again; weary of explanations,
at mid-life I am more comfortable
with the truth.

Outside, the mountain ash hangs
heavy with orange berries,
like overripe breasts they weight
the branches down; I feel
the tug, my flesh molding
itself to gravity; closer now
to the soil than ever
to the sky.

Poem “New Directions” by Susan A. Katz from the book, “When I Am An Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple”, which I am sending my mom as a gift today.

I feel this. I feel life and its delicious, wondrous cycles today and I rejoice.

word of the day: divest

If we have chosen to attach a negative feeling or energy to an object in our lives and are unwilling or unable to let go or see it differently, it’s wise to divest ourselves of it so that our matrix is clear of energetic debris.

I have learned so much discernment these past couple of years. Choice is key.

This morning, during my study/prayer/meditation time, I was drawn to open Gödel, Escher, Bach, by Douglas Hofstadter, to a random page and read the first paragraph that my eyes fell upon. I often do this use books as oracles in this way. My message for the day is this:

“This system–the Propositional Calculus–steps neatly from truth to truth, carefully avoiding all falsities, just as a person who is concerned with staying dry will step carefully from one stepping-stone in a creek to the next, following the layout of stepping-stones no matter how twisted and tricky it might be.”

Since I read that out of context, I have no idea what the author meant. What comes up for me when I read this is remembering when I was in the Sangre de Cristo mountains hiking earlier this year. There was snow on the ground and it was very cold. I had kept my feet dry on the stepping stones that were the only way to continue on the path (without getting wet). At one point after that, however, I just had a sudden urge to feel the cold water on my feet. I took off my shoes and plunged my feet into the icy water. I got pains up my calves and it took a bit for my feet to warm back up but it was worth it.

I feel this is very much the way it is embracing the creative life or the Hero’s Journey. Sometimes we must follow the animal instinct or the deeper calling, we must walk off the neatly laid path and stop “avoiding falsities” in order to find the treasure that awaits us.

I have a friend who doesn’t want to accept a tarot card that is in the reversed position. It feels to me that she doesn’t want to look at the underbelly of it all or face suppressed energy. The “living in the light” way of being can be very dangerous if we are avoiding looking at our shadow, in my experience. This is how I see walking on the stones to “stay dry”. How do we know it is a falsity if we don’t have the courage to get wet? I don’t believe there is a “right” or “wrong” way of being. There is only that which makes us feel separate or that which brings us closer to the One. I don’t believe we get closer by denying the aspects of self that we wish to avoid looking at. Shame or fear drives a wedge between us and the rest of the world and certainly between us and our immense power and energy. We can’t do the dance of co-creation with the Universe if we are afraid to dance with our own shadow since the shadow is part of the Universe.

For me, taking the plunge in the icy water brings the clarity that comes from awakening the senses and supports my faith as I trust that warmth will come when needed as long as I am following the Call and having the courage to embrace the most “dangerous” legs of the journey. That rush of awareness and connection to All-That-Is in that moment is exactly what was needed and will stay with me for the rest of my days.

If I had allowed fear to separate me from my higher awareness, I would not have the treasure.

We have to trust Life enough to take the plunge into the unknown and dance naked in the darkness.

The only falsity is that we are somehow outside of the Circle of Life.